Honestly, it’s been getting pretty hard for me to remember some of these details. Maybe my brain has blocked a bunch of it out. Thankfully, I did journal some back in those days, although not often. If I could find time between school and kids and losing my mind, I had to hide from Ray. He used to get so mad if he caught me writing. He would scream and yell, “DON’T WRITE ABOUT ME!” and rip it all up. So some days I would write it all out to get it off my chest and then tear it up myself and stuff it in a dirty diaper. He wouldn’t think to find it there. There were some that I managed to hide away in old notebooks, though. While rummaging through my closet looking for things to jog my memory about this time frame, I found an entry that might just be good enough to fill this chapter:
December 14, 1999
Things have been a WHIRLWIND since …. well, when haven’t they been? Life is just so confusing.
Earlier this year, in January, Ray decided to get help. I found a rehab on the internet in Bridgeport, Connecticut, a place so far away that he wouldn’t be able to check himself out and walk home like he has before. Even though he spent most of his checks on drugs, he still brought in a little money to pay some of the most important bills. So I reluctantly decided to go back to work.
Three weeks after Ray got to Connecticut, he called me collect, begging me to send him a bus ticket. He had gotten into a fight with one of the people there, and was now wandering the streets in a part of the country he knew nothing about. When he came home, he promised to check into the rehab in El Paso after he had time to “unwind”. He was good when he first got here. I think he was seriously trying to change. He was reading the Bible and praying. But it wasn’t long before things started disappearing again and cuss words were echoing through our house. He got worse, actually.
I had to drop out of school to work. I went back to Flying J so we moved to Anthony to be closer. He was TERRIBLE there. I spent all the food stamps on the first day we got them, before he had the chance to. The neighbor told me she thought I ought to know that he was selling the food out of our freezer. So he checked into rehab finally – only to come right out. He was so mean and screaming all the time. In fact, I was laying on the bed and he stood up and grabbed the mattress and flung me off the bed.
Meanwhile, people at work treated me really well. I’m no Miss America or anything, but I heard compliments all day long. I’m never surprised to hear truckers say nice things, but regular customers and co-workers kept telling me how good I look and how much weight I’ve lost. The first thing to come out of Ray’s mouth is always “Fat A**” and I’ll never be as skinny as the girls in his stupid porn so I didn’t even realize I had lost my baby weight again. So I just wanted to be at work because I honestly felt like Ray was going to drive me insane. He even told me that he had a dream that I was on a stretcher in the hospital and everyone was telling him, ” You finally did it. You drove her insane.” I didn’t feel like that was far-fetched at all.
Anyway, at work, Rusty is back. I knew it was going to be hard seeing him again, considering we never officially broke up. He just disappeared. But Ray has forced me to grow up a lot and I didn’t think Rusty would be an issue. The first day we worked together, he apologized for the way he left. He said he was afraid his wife was going to take the kids from him, so he dropped the divorce idea and didn’t know how to tell me. He also said he thought about me over the years but didn’t know how to contact me to say he was sorry. I assured him I had gotten over it and that I would appreciate it if we could be friends again.
The one thing I always loved about Rusty is his conversations skills. We used to sit and talk for hours. He’s the only guy I ever dated who was satisfied with talking. We resumed our long conversations at work and started getting close. One night we were in the office, counting out the cash drawer, and he suddenly slammed his hand down on the counter, jerked his chair in to mine and said, “Is it really so bad that all I want to do is hold you right now? Is it so terrible of me to wish we were still together?” Then he stood up and left me sitting there in stunned silence.
At first, I was scared out of my mind, but soon I found myself smiling. It had been a long time since anyone made me feel desirable. Then I stopped and realized that God was watching me enjoy that comment. When I went home that night, I found it difficult to pray, knowing how disappointed God must be in me. Over the next few weeks, I prayed less and less. I stopped going to church altogether. When I stopped praying, it was so much easier to run my life into the ground. Rusty and I got very close emotionally, and I started feeling like it was so unfair we couldn’t just be together.
One night, Ray sold EVERYTHING I had, so I called the police. They wouldn’t take him because my stuff is his stuff since we’re married. When the police left, I told Ray I wanted a divorce. He said that since we were getting divorced, he might as well be honest with me and tell me about the past. He went on to admit that he cheated on me constantly, with like six different girls. I know there’s more, though. He insisted it wasn’t that bad because we weren’t married then. To me, that was when I was MOST devoted to him though. I loved him most then. He’s always told me, “I may have done a lot of bad things to you, but at least I’ve never cheated on you.” So, my whole marriage has been one big sham. A mean trick someone played on me!!!! I thought we were making progress and he was with other girls the whole time. And he had made me feel SO bad about that ONE night with Alfred. I stopped caring then.
I didn’t feel guilty for having feelings for Rusty anymore. But It became obvious I wasn’t the only girl Rusty was talking to, though. He had half the restaurant gawking at him, all younger than me. So i really felt like crap and I started trying to notice other guys to feel better. There were 2 cops I thought were cute. One was named Michael and the other Jason. It was absolutely nothing serious. I just thought they were cute and it gave me something to look forward to when they came in to eat. They were fun to wait on.
Anyway, I decided to go back to school and moved back onto campus. I had to go talk to the Housing Director and ensure them the Ray crap wouldn’t be happening anymore. (2026 note: I have no idea what I meant by this … I don’t remember what happened!) We moved August 5th. Ray couldn’t find a place to go so I let him stay with us until he could find something – and then we just stayed together. I didn’t feel like arguing with him, but inside i was emotionally dead. My love for him was gone.
I still worked at Flying J on weekends. One day this young guy came in, a trucker’s son, and he was REAL shy but he talked to me like 5 hours. He sat in my station drawing all that time. I wondered why he sat there for so long. I thought he was bored. When he finally left, he told me, “Um… I, um, don’t usually do these things, but um…. well, I think you’re REALLY cute. Is there any way I can keep in touch with you?” He seemed like such a nice guy. I gave him a phony number though. I know there’s no way a guy like that would still like me if he knew how old I was and that I had 3 kids and a husband. But it blew my mind that he was interested at all. I began to long for another man to rescue me from this troll holding me captive.
Michael and Jason had a new friend, David, who was extremely nice. He always had the hugest grin on his face. He was so polite, too. But I considered him pretty geeky. One day they came in to eat but didn’t sit in my station because it was full. I always liked to talk to Jason, though, so I made my way over to their table. By the time I got there, he had gotten up to get food off of the buffet. Just David was there. I almost walked away, but he was smiling so I went and said hi. He said “I was wondering if you were going to come say hi.” I didn’t take it as flirting because by nature, he is VERY friendly.
We talked for a while & he asked what I had been up to. I told him I had spent the week moving to Las Cruces. Jason had come back by then and was talking too. He said, “Oh, so now you have to drive like we do?” I said, “You guys live there, too?” They said yes and I’m not sure why that shocked me, but I guess I figured everyone who worked in Anthony lived in Anthony. David asked where I lived and I said on campus. He said he was a student, too, and started rambling about how he needed to enroll but still had to pay off Summer I. I was kinda annoyed because I wanted to talk to Jason, and David wouldn’t shut up!
Later on, David waved me over again. He gave me his card and said he was available if I needed help moving the rest of my stuff or if I needed help with anything. The week before, I had asked them for advice on what to do because Ray kept trading our car. I’m sure he felt sorry for me.
The very next day, Ray drove me to work. He was supposed to pick me up at 8, but he never showed up. I started freaking out because I didn’t know how I was going to get home. No one wants to drive all the way to Cruces. By 10, I was a nervous wreck. Then I remembered that the cops said they lived in Cruces, too. I wanted to call Jason, but he’s REAL shy and not real friendly & I didn’t kow how he’d react. So I called David. Well, I called dispatch and left a message and prayed he would call back.
An hour later he called. I told him my situation and he was so nice! He had just arrested someone and was at the jail in Las Cruces, but he said he’d come get me. Jason had gotten his patrol car stuck in mud and David had to go help him. It was raining cats & dogs and we couldn’t even see the road. It took a long time to get home and we had a nice conversation.
The next time he came in to eat, I started to notice that he wasn’t SUPER geeky. He was just real nice. But he was pretty darn cute, too. Over the next few weeks, I had to ask him for rides several times. He found my email address in the student directory and sent me a message. Nothing flirtatious at all. It just said, “Just wanted to say hi.” I thought he was a great friend.
Over the next few weeks, he sent other messages. One said, “My buddies always tease me about you because they know I think you’re SO cute.” Another said, “I wanted to tell you that you looked really nice tonight when we came to eat. Your hair was straight. You’re really, really pretty.” After that, I decided I liked him. I thought about him a lot. He still gave me rides home and never mentioned the flirting in the emails, though.
One night in October, he took me home. He had just gotten onto campus when he said, “We should go out sometime. Have a drink or something.” I said, “Yeah, that’d be nice.” He said, “When would you be able? I’m off Thursdays and Fridays. Unless you want to go now.” I had gone to the Student Heath Center just that week and found out … I’m pregnant. Ray laughed when I told him because he knew I would be stuck with him for at least another year. I wanted to say yes to David … but I was so scared. I didn’t have time to weigh it out though because he was looking at me, waiting for my answer so he could decide which direction to drive. I said, “You know what? I can.” He began to talk excitedly about how he could show me his new apartment and stuff – but my mind was far away, focused on the enormity of the decision I had just made. I thought back to how terrible the last few months, the last few years had been – and i just stopped caring.
We got to his apartment and he gave me a beer. I don’t even like beer, so I just sipped on it. We talked for a long time & he told me he was divorced, some of his plans for the future. He showed me pictures of his family. After we had talked for about an hour, he scooted a little closer. We talked some more and he put his arm around me. It was a little weird at first, but then he said something about it feeling good to hold me. It was cozy so we just kept talking. Finally, we wound up kissing – for 2 hours. Then he took me home. When I got home, I felt so stupid. So stupid for being with a drug addict who treats me like crap. So stupid for ever wishing I could be with a married man who has his own family to take care of. So stupid. Why couldn’t I be with someone like THIS? The one who talked to me with genuine interest in what I had to say. The one with the soft, tender voice who seemed to know men aren’t supposed to scream horrendous insults at women they supposedly care about. The one whose hands gently caressed my face as though I were precious, instead of shoving me against a wall.
The next night David came in to eat and asked if I was going to need a ride home. I said yes and he said, “ALL RIGHT!” He showed up half an hour early. He was so nice but he didn’t even acknowledge what had happened, so I figured he had a change of heart. When we got to Las Cruces, he said, “You know I don’t want to take you home right?” So we went back to his house. Turns out he lives with Jason and Michael. Jason was home so we went to David’s room. He didn’t try anything crazy. We just kissed and then he took me home. We made plans to do something the next Friday.
That Friday, I got off a little early so I went to his house. No one answered the doorbell so I figured he hadn’t expected me this early and was probably on his way. I sat in the van for half an hour and then rang the doorbell again. No answer. So I sat in front of his house, thinking he was stuck somewhere. Several minutes later, I heard the door opening from the inside. I looked up, and it was David! He was all dressed up to go out and he looked so scared. He said he thought I wasn’t coming, so he had made other plans. He asked for a raincheck, asked me not to be mad, and he looked impatient for me to leave.
I was stunned. All my conceptions about him up to that point were gone in a flash. I’m embarrassed to say I had even allowed myself to think that maybe he would take us all in and rescue us. But that’s on me for letting myself think such stupid things. I went home and wrote him an email. He wrote back at some point during the week and said he was so sorry.
The next Sunday was Halloween. After work, I went to his house to talk to him face-to-face. His car was in the parking lot so I knew he was there. Jason answered, but he barely opened the door just enough to squeeze out and he closed it really fast. I could see the light on in David’s room, but Jason said he wasn’t home. Then he started walking towards the parking lot, saying he needed to get something out of his car. I guess he knew I’d follow him. I said, “Oh, ok. Well, tell him I stopped by.” He said he would, and when he got to his car, it was locked. I knew the whole story was a lie and I decided I was never going to talk to David again, ever.
I had to go to Flying J to get my check that week and David happened to be there eating. He said hi, but I didn’t even smile at him. Before I left, he said, “CALL ME! Please?” The next day I just emailed him, telling him I knew he had been home that night and I was just tired.
The next night, I got a phone call at work. A girl voice said, “Look, I know what you’re doing, you *********. You better watch your back.” I was shocked. When David came in the next night, I didn’t even try to talk to him. They stayed for TWO HOURS, which they never do. Then after they left, I was cleaning a table when a bright light flashed in my eyes. I looked up & they were messing with me with their flashlights from outside.
So I went out there and asked David if I could talk to him. I asked him to please be honest with me and I told him about the phone call. I asked him if there was anyone he was seeing that would have called me. He was offended and said he couldn’t believe I was asking him that when it was obviously one of my husband’s friends. I said, “Well, it doesn’t even matter because I called the police.” He said, “Well, how come you never call THIS police anymore?” I asked him if he got my email. He said no – another big lie, I’m sure. I told him I knew Jason had been covering for him that night. He said, “no, no, no”, and changed the subject. He asked if we could do something later. I said okay but figured he was just blowing smoke again.
When I got off work, I went to the back to clock out and I heard someone paging me over the intercom. I was mad because I thought I forgot to do some of my sidework. I went back into the restaurant and David was standing there. I said, “hey, what are you doing?” He said, “Looking for you.” I looked out and saw several cop cars outside. He said they were about to get off work and wanted to know if I could buy them some beer. I said ok and he asked me to meet them in town because they had to do a bar check. I went over there to give them their beer, and he asked if I could just take it to their apartment instead.
I took it over there and they invited me in. I remember a lot about what happened next. I remember drinking one of those beers. I remember David whispering to me to wait for him in his room. I remember everything that happened after he came into the room. I remember afterwards, cuddling up with him to rest before I went home. I remember waking up in the morning in a panic because I didn’t know what I was going to tell Ray. But I can’t remember when I became so selfish. When I decided to be exactly like my dad. When I decided to live by my own rules instead of God’s. When I decided to make my desire to escape Ray overrule my poor babies needs. I’ve come to accept that I have failed my childhood dreams of finding that man who was going to be so different than my father. But really, what is wrong with me?
My journal entry ends there. I guess I ran out of time to finish the story. Ray eventually found out about David. I don’t remember how, but I do remember the slaps to the head I got the day he found out – but again, I figured I deserved it. I also remember him harassing David until very gladly left me alone. The next few months were just a messy blur.
On Christmas, my family was fed up with Ray and told me he wasn’t invited to our usual Christmas celebrations. I dropped him off at his grandpa’s house and went to my mom’s. When I was done, I took the kids over there. While I had been gone, Ray had been drinking with an uncle – and maybe doing more, I’m not sure. He started getting really mad and eventually started yelling. He told his family I was a whore and even they were getting worried about how out of hand he was getting.
I gathered the kids to leave before he could get worse, and he followed me out. He got a giant rock and hurled it at the windshield. My windshield busted, but thankfully the rock didn’t come through. He took my keys and threw them into the desert. He got some cake and came to the window and threw it at me. His family was alarmed and said they were going to call 911. I told them, “Okay, but please tell them not to send David, because if they do, that’s only going to make things worse.” But of course, they sent David. And of course it made things worse. He started screaming at David that I was a whore – a pregnant whore at that, but that he could have me. It was so embarrassing! He wound up getting arrested and then he was screaming at me from the police car, “LES!!!!! Why are you doing this to me???? WHY? Tell them to let me go!”
I don’t remember how long he spent in jail, or what was said when he got out. As usual, things blew over and he stuck around. I wound up quitting Flying J not long after that because of my pregnancy — not before working on January 1, 2000, though. I remember the huge relief we all felt when all the computers still worked and the world didn’t crash like all the Y2K rumors predicted it would.
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