We finally found a little house in Arkansas. Ray worked at pretty much every Waffle House between Little Rock and Searcy. The great thing about that was he was always bringing me pecan waffles when he got off work —the yummiest things ever!!!!
However, moving hundreds of miles away once again didn’t change any of our circumstances —except the fact that I was now hundreds of miles away from my family. We spent a lot of time at the parks with the kids & there were good moments, but our extremes were even worse than before. When we weren’t fighting, we were sooooo in love and hanging out with the kids in the park all day. Things were almost magical! But when we were fighting, he could have easily killed me …. both with words and his hands. More than once, he wrapped those hands around my throat and choked me — then he’d take off and stay gone all night. He said stuff like, “I was watching you sleep last night and you were so fat it disgusted me.” I would cry and tell him that his defects only made me love him more and he said, “Well, yours just make me sick to my stomach.” I figured I was just getting what I deserved, but I wasn’t sure how much longer I could handle being isolated. No matter how many horrible things were said, Ray would always apologize and say he only said those mean things because he loved me so much. I decided I loved him to much to leave him. I was absolutely desperate to leave Arkansas, though. After only a couple months, I called New Mexico State University in Las Cruces to see what I could do about applying for admission and financial aid, hoping that would be our ticket back home.
Jamie turned one in that little house. I remember being happy that I was able to take enough money from Ray’s check to get her a Tickle Me Cookie Monster on her birthday. Then we wound up losing the house right after that since Ray spent all the rest of the rent money. (There were plenty of drug crowds out there and he found them pretty quickly.) He had also gotten into fights with his cousins so we moved in with some people — I can’t even remember who they were. However, right before we left the house, an acceptance letter from NMSU arrived in the mail. We only lived with those people a few days and I said, “I’m going to school. Let’s go home.” Ray reluctantly agreed and on the day of his next paycheck, we drove home. I believe we got back home on Halloween.
Gramma let us stay with her again. We had only been back for a couple weeks when I felt like I needed to take another pregnancy test. There was a little clinic around the corner from Grammas house, so one day I just walked over there. The lady administering the test said, “Do you want to be pregnant?” I said it wouldn’t be the end of the world. She said, “ok. Well you are.” I walked back to Gramma’s pretty happy. During our happy moments, Ray and I had actually talked about having another baby and this time it wasn’t a shock. When I told Ray, he started laughing with joy. In fact, he said he knew exactly when it happened because he was so in love with me that day.
I just didn’t know what I was going to tell Gramma. She was already upset that I had had two babies out of wedlock, and she was at the end of her patience with Ray. So I decided not to tell her. The next week I caught a cold and she fixed me some Theraflu. When I refused to drink it, she figured it out … and was not happy. She was so mean to Ray after that & every day was just a struggle to keep the peace between them and to stay in Ray’s good graces. He was having a hard time finding a job, he liked Arkansas and he was tired of Gramma’s wrath. He finally made arrangements to go back on the bus and I began my mission to find somewhere to live.
I had heard that there was something called Student Family Housing for married students or single moms. I had heard there was a year’s wait, but I went up to talk to the NMSU office about it anyway. I couldn’t believe my ears when they told me I could move in right away. On the drive home, tears of relief were rolling down my face. I sobbed with gratitude and thanked God, telling him I couldn’t believe how much mercy he had on me.
In January, I moved into my tiny but cozy little two bedroom house with a little yard. With my financial aid, I was able to pay the rent for the semester on the house & for a plane ticket to fly Ray back home. I’ll never forget picking him up from the airport. The kids were jumping for joy to see him. We drove home to our new house and Ray was thrilled with it. That night I fell asleep in his arms, the kids were sleeping in their own beds and we were expecting a baby. This one was going to be a boy. A son! I was also having weird feelings that this baby was special. Not that the girls weren’t, because the most definitely were. But I felt like this baby was just … extra. I couldn’t put my finger on it or find words to express the feeling. But anyway, things were finally starting to feel normal.
On February 3, 1998, we went to the courthouse and got married because the Student Family Housing Department didn’t acknowledge common-law marriages. My mom met us there and bought us a microwave as a wedding present. To celebrate, we went to Golden Corral. We were actually going to go to Taco Bell, but when Ray told the judge that, she said that we should go somewhere better.
The next couple months brought a lot of great changes. Ray was able to find work. I was doing great in school. We had a car to go to church in. Sometimes we’d go to the Baptist church I went to in high school, sometimes we would drive to El Paso to Jesse’s uncle’s church. We lived across the street from a sweet little park where we took the kids almost every day. Our neighborhood was super cozy & all our neighbors were nice.
Our next-door neighbors, Earl & Denni, were the greatest people who became close friends. They had a home daycare, too! With my daycare assistance, I got to leave my girls next door. Earl was quite the handyman and came over to fix things anytime I needed something. The girls thought he hung the moon. In fact, one day we came home from the store and the maintenance department had repaved our street really nicely. Jordyn looked out the window and said, “Mama, look what Earl did!!!!” She was sure he was the only one capable of such handiwork.
Unfortunately, the bad times only got worse. We still fought a lot about porn use & the drug problem escalated to new heights, or belly-flopped to new depths… however you want to see it. One time I was cleaning the house and found a wadded up piece of paper that looked like it was from a magazine. I unwadded it and saw it was pornographic. I was so mad that I was shaking and I had to sit down before my knees gave out. I called Ray at work and demanded to know why he was still doing this. He said , “Noooo… I didn’t buy that. That’s just what they wrap the drugs in.” Oh. Whew.
One day I came home and the microwave my mom got us for our wedding wasn’t there! He had pawned it. I paid to get it back because I didn’t want my mom to see that — and he pawned it again. He went through several jobs. Sometimes he would disappear for days & I would be sick with worry, calling the hospital and jail looking for him— just for him to wander in like nothing when he felt like coming back.
He found a new way to score his drugs: lending our car to drug dealers for a few days or a week. I didn’t even know that was a thing — but when the time agreed upon was over, they would faithfully leave the car parked somewhere with the keys in it. One day a dealer dropped Ray off and was started to drive off in our car. I ran up to the passenger window and begged him not to take my car. I’m surprised I did that, because he was pretty scary looking— but I was six months pregnant and had no other way to my doctor appointment the next day. He just looked at me, smiled, shrugged, and drove off. That smirk on his face inflicted deep disgust and helplessness on my soul. These people couldn’t care less about right and wrong & definitely couldn’t care less about me or my babies. I’m not sure why I was surprised, but it was disgusting nonetheless.
One of the times Ray went missing, I was washing dishes when a police officer, Officer England, knocked on my door. He wanted to know if I knew why my car might have been used in a burglary the week before. I didn’t even know what to tell him, but finally said that Ray had been lending our car to a guy I thought was really scary. He asked if I might be able to pick the guy out of a lineup. I thought back to that smirk burned into my memory and said “Yeah, I’m pretty sure.” He showed me the pictures and sure enough, there was that same smirking face. Thankfully, it was obvious that Officer England believed that I had nothing to do with any of that mess. He made sure I knew that these guys that Ray was running with were no good whatsoever. Then he gave me his card and told me to call him if I ever needed him.
I soon began to get real acquainted with those no good guys. Ray graduated from pawn shops to using our stuff as collateral directly with dealers. We were always going to the same houses to get our TV, microwave or VCR back. When I would be sitting in the car waiting for Ray, I couldn’t believe how many people were pulling up, running in and then rushing out. In broad daylight! It was so obvious what they were doing. The saddest part was seeing all the little kids just playing by themselves outside of these places. It broke my heart for these kids who were going to grow up just like Ray. Every time we’d drive off from those houses, Ray would promise that this would be the last time. He learned his lesson this time!
One night when I was 7 months pregnant, we really needed some milk or diapers or something, I can’t remember. The babies were in bed and it was so hard for me to get around, so Ray said he would go. I begged him to please really come back this time because we were counting on him. He swore up and down that he would — and then didn’t. When he finally make it home days later, he not only didn’t have the things we needed, but he also didn’t have the car. I really, really needed it and I was so upset that he had given it to those people again. I started feeling like I was going to lose my mind!! Then I remembered I had Officer England’s number so I called him, crying.
He came right over & picked me up. He knew exactly which people I was talking about and he knew the stash house well. He rolled up into the driveway and we went through the gate. He pounded on the door. When they opened it, he bellowed, “Whoever has this young lady’s keys better go get them RIGHT NOW!” He was a very towering man, extremely intimidating. They all scattered like bugs until eventually, someone came out of one of the rooms with them.
A little later, Ray told me “Man, you really messed up. Henry told me to tell you that you better watch your back.” I was familiar with this Henry character. Ray talked about him often—how he had just gotten out of prison and was so mean. One night Ray came home super upset because Henry had tried to attack him, yet he still kept going back over there! When I heard this about Henry’s threats, I was sick to my stomach with fear.
The very next day, Ray was at work, the girls were playing and I was mopping the floor. I had the evening news on loud enough to hear from the other room, because watching the news was always my favorite thing to do. I was mopping away when I heard the newscaster say, “A man was shot and killed outside a bar in Las Cruces last night – over an argument about a car.” I thought I heard him say Henry’s name, so I stopped in my tracks and ran to the TV. Sure enough, it was him. I started shaking and almost threw up! I had no idea how to feel. On the one hand, what a wasted life! He was a human being, a lost soul – so devastatingly tragic. But on the other … I couldn’t help but be greatly relieved.
At the end of June, it was time to meet our boy. After having 2 c-sections, there was no question that this would be the same, so they scheduled it 2 weeks before my due date. The doc put some penicillin in my IV right before they prepped me for surgery. All of a sudden, everything started burning & I couldn’t breathe. I was gasping for air & Ray said I turned red as a tomato. The nurses came running & recognized an allergic reaction. They put some Benadryl in my IV & the attack stopped. I had never been so scared! I looked over at Ray and he was crying. He said he had been sure I was going to die right in front of him.
Our baby was delivered without further incident shortly after. He was so very precious. The nurse came in and asked me what his name was and I just shrugged. Ray had been watching a lot of Star Wars in the months prior, & I had become fond of the name Luke. But Ray said it was dumb and it didn’t start with a J. His son was not going to be left out of the J club. I told the nurse all that and she said, “aw, well, you could name him Jacob.” I thought about it for a while and decided that indeed would be his name.
Later that night, I was holding him, staring at his little face. Then the strangest thing happened. I almost audibly heard the words, “There’s going to be one more.” I couldn’t even write it off as being all in my head because it was so strong. I sure didn’t understand, though, as shaky as things were with Ray. It was exhausting never knowing if he was going to come home, never knowing if he was going to lose another job today, never knowing if we would catch him before he found a way to cash his check, never knowing if something was going to disappear that day. It was heartbreaking to tell the kids, “Sorry, we can’t watch a movie today because the TV/VCR broke …. again.” But I couldn’t forget the nights I had lain awake when I was a little girl, wondering what it would be like to have two parents at home – or later as a teenager, wondering what it would be like to have two blood parents in the same house who cared about me equally. So I decided we just had to make this work somehow, some way.
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