Early 2000, I quit my job to focus on school and what I knew would be my last pregnancy, since I finally got the green light from my doctor to have a tubal ligation. They had always said I was too young, but after four in five years, I guess they changed their minds. Anyway, getting away from work gave me time to think, and time to think made me so incredibly sick to my stomach. I was so far from where I knew I needed to be. I begged God to forgive me for losing sight of what was important. I vowed to go back to square one with my faith and my marriage and make it all work, but the biggest challenges were about to hit.
I thought maybe taking a Bible As Literature class would require me to read my Bible more, so I signed up for it. Sure enough, I needed to read it for class. However, it became clear that the professor thought the Bible was a bunch of hogwash. Our assignments were things like: Read this chapter and write down 10 things that make no sense. Then in class, he would ask people to read theirs aloud. After every point someone would make trashing scripture, he would applaud their insight. Soon enough, I was questioning my beliefs pretty strongly. Because really, where DID Cain get his wife? And who exactly was he afraid of when he was sent out? The professor told us about all the flood stories that every culture on the planet has, similar to the Noah’s Ark account. I wasn’t giving up on my faith, but suddenly I was so confused. What did I believe, anyway? And why?
Then, Ray became the worst he had ever been. He would constantly disappear and come back without the car. Sometimes I would get out of school and he was nowhere to be found. So I would walk to the daycare to pick up the kids and have to give them the horrible news that we were going to have to walk home. They were all so little and I was so pregnant, I could barely even carry Jacob. Somehow their little legs hung in there & we would make it home, though.
Other days, I would go to do my homework and my books would be missing. Ray had figured out that the student bookstore buys textbooks back from students – so they were a constant target.
There were times I would sit in the living room and cry so hard I wasn’t sure how my eyes didn’t explode. I would pray, “God, are you even there? Are you watching all of this? Do you hate me this much? Have I messed up so bad that this is all I have to look forward to for the rest of my life?” I wouldn’t feel anything in response so I would just sit there in silent wretched despair, with zero ideas about how I was going to get through another day.
One day in March or so, Ray left to get something we needed, promised he’d be right back and didn’t come home. The usual. Around 3 or 4 in the morning, I heard him trying to get in the door, but I had locked both of them. He kept knocking but I was so enraged, I refused to get up and let him in. He started banging louder and louder and louder until I finally got up — only because I didn’t want the kids to wake up or the neighbors to call the police.
When I unlocked the door, he opened it and collapsed onto the floor, breathing really heavy and weird. I said, “Whatever, Ray. I don’t believe you.” I went back to bed and tried to go back to sleep, but he didn’t get up. Not only that, but he was breathing even weirder. I jumped up, grabbed the phone and took it outside to call 911. I was sure he was dying on our living room floor and I couldn’t bear to watch it. I begged God not to let him die in this condition.
The ambulance came really quickly and said they were going to have to take him. I couldn’t go with him because I had all the kids, but early the next morning Ray finally called. He had been severely beaten by drug dealers he owed money to and then they used our car to dump him in our yard. Then they drove off in it. He had broken ribs and one of them had punctured his lung, so they had to insert a tube into his chest to re-inflate it. He was going to be in the hospital for a few days. He warned me not to call the cops because they warned him if he snitched, they would come after us. He also told me I needed to go get the car back.
I don’t remember who watched the kids for me while I took off on the quest to get the car back, but I walked all over town that day, 7 months pregnant. I looked everywhere I knew to look. At one point, I found it… it was driving right past me. There was nothing left to do but give up & go home. When I got home, we didn’t have much for the kids to eat, so we all walked to the little convenience store a few blocks away.
That night, after I got the kids in bed and was going to bed myself, I called my mom. I told her I didn’t feel so great & my stomach was really hurting. She said that wasn’t a good thing & told me to give her an update first thing in the morning.
I woke up around 430 or 5 in the worst pain I had ever been in, so I called my mom. She said to call 911 and she would be right there. After everything was settled, I was taken to the hospital and they confirmed I was in labor— but it was far too early. They got an IV started with meds to stop the contractions and admitted me for a few days. That night, Ray’s nurses wheeled him up to my room and we watched TV together for a few hours, laughing at how crazy this situation was.
I finally convinced him to report it, but he was adamant that we were going to have to move. I called the university from my hospital room and told them the situation. They approved an emergency reassignment of housing. My mom, my aunt Leila and uncle Jerry came and moved all of our stuff from one house to another, a couple streets away. When we got out of the hospital, Ray apologized profusely and promised that this was the last of his shenanigans. He was going to change for real this time.
Two months later, my last c-section was scheduled. I was tired of the hospitals waiting 8-12 hours to bring me my baby so I asked the staff not to do that this time. The surgery went well & they gave me my baby almost immediately. He was so precious! I was so grateful for him, & felt so silly about having been so terrified to find out I was pregnant with him. The only thing was, once again, I had no idea what to name him. This time it really had to start with a J, since all the other babies did. After going through all the names we could think of and rejecting them, I remembered the kid I was so in love with in 2nd grade, Justin. That was a pretty name — so it stuck.
I don’t remember much about the next year. It all pretty much blurs together. I do remember that Ray actually helped more with justin than he had the others. I started to grow a little hope seeing how much he doted on him.
However, I also know that things only got worse in all the other areas. The pawn shops knew me by name, since I constantly had to replace TVs & VCRs & that was the cheapest place to do it. I learned how to live without a lot of things most people view as necessities — because if we got any money, he was going to spend it. I never had any spoons, bc he’d use them to burn whatever he was smoking… and anything that was pipe shaped couldn’t last long either: pens, tv antennas. Once I tried to stand a metal stool that had fallen over. It fell right back down because he had sawed one of the legs off to use as a pipe.
I really wanted to leave. But at this point, I felt like I needed to forgive him. I had done the unthinkable multiple times now. How could I judge his lack of self control when I obviously had just as little? The only thing that really kept bothering me was. — how actually beneficial was it for the kids to have their dad around when this lifestyle was so dangerous?? Was being able to know their dad worth all of this agony?I wasn’t sure about that part, but I decided to stick around until I figured it out.
I had made really good friends with all my neighbors in this new house. All of them understood what was going on and were really supportive. One of them kept inviting me to her church. I had tried a lot of churches in Las Cruces, but none of them felt like the right match, so I always opted to drive to my old churches when I could. But this neighbor was always bursting with praises about her pastor— she said his name was Dale Walker. Immediately, I was intrigued. Walker??? That was Jesse’s last name & his uncles were all pastors. I decided that one day I would go check it out.
That one day came pretty quickly. I came home to find everything sold once again & Ray was so mean I couldn’t keep my eyes dry for one minute. My neighbor came over & saw me crying. It was a Saturday & she said “it’s a great day to go to church tomorrow.” I agreed and went. The church itself was amazing. The music was great, the preaching was great, and I studied the pastors face very carefully. It wasn’t until he smiled that I was sure this had to be one of Jesse’s uncles. After service, I went up and introduced myself. Sure enough, it was the right family. After that, any time I was able to go to church, I went there. It wasn’t very often, since the car was always broken, pawned or non-existent, but I managed to go several times. My faith was still pretty shaky & I wasn’t sure what I believed anymore. But I knew for sure that God is real & at the very least, I wanted my babies to know him.
I did find one more journal tucked away in my closet from this time frame. Here are some excerpts:
September 18, 2000
Today I’ve been enjoying Justin. He’s such a little roly poly now. How can it be that this little angel has been in my life for four whole months? It’s so sad because he’s the last one. I’ll never hold another baby again, of my own, anyway. Sometimes I wonder if I was crazy to get my tubes tied. It’s so final. But then getting pregnant every year and a half is crazy, too. It’s just not reasonable to keep that going. I just don’t want Justin to grow up. Today I’m just soaking up the glory of having such a beautiful little baby— toothless & completely dependent on me. I love those gummy grins!
September 20, 2000
When I look at our finances, it is just so tempting to go back to work. Rent is paid till January, thank to student loans, but the girls birthdays are coming up, & Christmas right after that. And we all could really use some new clothes.
I just don’t want to change our routine right now. As it is, I hardly have enough time to do homework. This week has proved how tough things can be when the kids get sick. Jacob couldn’t go to daycare with a fever, and it’s just a matter of time until the others catch it.
Plus, I just don’t think I’m strong enough. I’ve decided to give Ray the chance to make this work. He’s not gonna change overnight. When things aren’t so stable, & then you go to work & hear all those compliments— it’s just playing with fire. I’ve proved I’m not ready for that.
October 3, 2000
I’m sad today. I stopped for gas at Flying J & Rusty was there. He saw me & talked to me in the lobby for like 10 minutes. I have no real interest in him after all I’ve been through with him, but it’s always nice to talk to him. He talks to me like a real person, someone respectable. He wanted to see the baby. Then he gave Jordyn and Jamie some gum. He bent down to their eye-level & talked to them with such tenderness in his voice that it made my heart hurt.
I guess I’m just fully realizing that I am not happy. For so long, I’ve been trying to avoid believing that. I try to tell myself that deep down, I’m happy. But I shouldn’t feel sad when I see people like Rusty. I should be glad to not be mixed up in that mess anymore. This needs to stop soon. I’m tired of feeling like this.
October 21, 2000
Today was the girl’s birthday party & now I’m exhausted! I can’t believe they are getting so old. Jordyn will be 5, Jamie 4! Next year is kindergarten! This year is going to be different. I have promised myself that. If things don’t start changing with Ray, he’s going to have to leave. I don’t want my kids growing up thinking this lifestyle is normal. I still love him, but not so much that I will let my kids grow up like this. Life has got to change. I guess this is how it happened for Mom, too. Maybe 5-7 years is like the maximum a person can handle under these conditions. It’s gone on far too long. He needs to know I’m serious now.
November 4, 2000
Well here I am again, thinking about going back to work. I’ve called around and almost every place is in a hiring freeze. I heard Flying J needs servers & it’s so tempting. Just because I messed up last time doesn’t mean it will happen again. If I just keep myself grounded, it’s a great place to work. I just need to make sure things change at home. I need to vow to myself that I’m not going to let him make me feel miserable so I don’t feel justified looking for someone else.
I don’t know. I hate to be away from the kids but we really need the money. I make enough at Flying J that I could just work weekends. I’d have the same amount of home time as I do now. So much to think about.
November 9, 2000
Well, I’m going back to Flying J in two weeks. It seems almost unbelievable. I hope I know what I’m doing. I know we need the money, and I know I love Flying J, but I just pray things stay normal. I truly love waitressing. I wish I could retire off of it because it is the best job suited to my personality. Of course, I can’t do that. I’m just glad I can do it again one more time. I’ve got to keep my mind on my kids, no matter how rough things with Ray might get.
Leave a Reply